it has been a week, since the RS episode, and i still am not over it.. better than the first few days, but not over it………..and still can’t think of it having any differently… could have been handled better with a face to face meeting, but at the end, it would have been like this……… i can’t think of any other way, this could have turned out to be……

Somethings are meant to be……..

I should never have let it rot for these two years.. well maybe the first year was understandable, as i was in one of my worst conditions… but atleast last year, i should have spoken to her…….. to hell with being polite and gentlemanly… blast it… i was just scared. u idiot.. coward…. and u turned it into politeness, doesn’t make practical sense… all sorts of excuses… Damn…
AJ
you need to sort this out .. this has become a trend for you in all your relationships with anybody…….. from now on make clear, what you like,dislike and want……. as early as the situation arises…
If they can’t live with it.. then no point in going any further… atleast that will save you from future RS kinda cases.. ..

Next time don’t wait till the end/as close as you can get, before throwing the hat in the ring… just throw it as soon as possible, that way if you see u don’t get it .. you can atleast go towards the next ring..saving the time coming closer to the ring..

And that is gotta be easier than this approach………..

21092009
0458 hrs..
It gets harder and harder everytime to bootstrap myself out of the depression, i tend to slide into,once in a while, into the cheerfulness i am capable of……
But , i realise, that as long as i keep swinging between these extremes(deep depresssion and bursting joy)…i would always be vulnerable. .. the other option i have is to get into the stable steady polite, pleasantness that so many ppl around seem to have and claim as bigger than the biggest happiness… But goddamn me, if i ever get into that… bcoz it seems to come attached with a steady, boring job, and a lot of meaningless hangups that they cling onto (like irrelevant beliefs,oversimplifications, invalid abstractions, limits etc…)
So the only other option is to stay swinging/roller coasting and making sure i find a sure,quick fire way to pull/swing myself out of depression….. it seems like Scrubs right now, but am sure, a couple of years down the line,it might be something else…….. i just hope, i can manage it to get it to somebody at somepoint in time.. which means talking to someone, when i am feeling down…….Despite the my penchant for secrecy and mistrust, and the scenario looking bleak now, what gives me hope is the fact that i did try to do that with SR and THW(well maybe just a little)..
Also apart from scrubs, i should do this writing more often.not just recording the events of the day writing, but the what i feel and think about what i managed to do today..
Well that is something to sleep over…

23092009
1828 hrs..
Wow……. didn’t sleep last night, but stayed up reading yet another popular supposed to be intelluctual book… this time it was economics….. Anyway… was up only bcoz i could not sleep and think, i should have read the diff eqns instead… might have been better spent time or in the worst case would have gone to sleep….. either way useful i say…..
Brother left in the morning, went to the airport and came back. then went with bhabhi till bus stand and came back.. after getting her on a bus..
and was feeling pretty bland, as i was expecting to feel relieved…. then remembered, i don’t seem to be getting mail from blore_frndz and checked. found out i am not a member of the group anymore……….
Got pissed off…. removed SR from facebook frnd list..
posted status msg on facebook as “figured i have been booted from the group. Thank you for the music.”
But still feeling upset and tired and betrayed……. and not sure what else……..
tried to get Bournville Dark choc but doesn’t seem to be working to cheer me up…
Come to think of it has been a rather eventful day……….
but i just feel numb….

23092009
1828 hrs..
Wow……. didn’t sleep last night, but stayed up reading yet another popular supposed to be intelluctual book… this time it was economics….. Anyway… was up only bcoz i could not sleep and think, i should have read the diff eqns instead… might have been better spent time or in the worst case would have gone to sleep….. either way useful i say…..
Brother left in the morning, went to the airport and came back. then went with bhabhi till bus stand and came back.. after getting her on a bus..
and was feeling pretty bland, as i was expecting to feel relieved…. then remembered, i don’t seem to be getting mail from blore_frndz and checked. found out i am not a member of the group anymore……….
Got pissed off…. removed SR from facebook frnd list..
posted status msg on facebook as “figured i have been booted from the group. Thank you for the music.”
But still feeling upset and tired and betrayed……. and not sure what else……..
tried to get Bournville Dark choc but doesn’t seem to be working to cheer me up…
Come to think of it has been a rather eventful day……….
but i just feel numb….

04102009
0116 hrs…
Huh…… damn…….i don’t know what came over me again…… i was talking to AP…she had called up just after dinner saying she is feeling bad…. called up later….said she went and cried….. and called back later….. i walked out…and noticed that the next door guys were drinking again… i was invited as usual… but by the time i finished the call, the booze was over…. i went over… and got on talking….. and i actually was quite excited.. and almost my old self…infact i even claimed that i am drunk and got corrected as high…. Either way the feeling of prasoon trying to be alpha male was always there……well anyway….he was taking the lead in the conversation and setting up topics….. and trying to be in control….we discussed about a couple of books…Oh yeah……AP told me my speech style has changed.. i have slowed down and am now more steady than that weird speed i used to speak at before in allahabad…. and i was surprised….. still am………… i thought as soon as i went to allahabad, i thought my speech style had slowed down…or so THW told me after i was in allahabad for a few months.
Interestingly enough…….i was more frank than i would usually be with anybody with whom i had an equal amount of interaction…. also i didn’t say everything…. there were indeed a few points i was politically correct and was diplomatic……i guess it is the secret curiousity that arouse his curiousity…. i mean he is a scorpio?? or am i being biased??
Also he caught me by surprise,when he asked me the most beautiful girl, i have ever seen….. guess he was trying to open up.. well the surprsing part was i thought for a moment.first name was KP(especially as i had just mentioned giving away a book to my crush…).. then i said ML.(i guess was fooling myself…….am not sure why?? but yeah i did.) then asked in what sense physically? then he said nice rack……then i said SR…

07102009

08102009
09102009
1808 hrs…
Ha now i know, my hesitation about going into starting a company…….. i can’t afford to ignore the safety concerns/emotions/fears of ppl … around me and my clients too….. hmm… that is why saurabh’s idea was interesting………to use exactly that….. except it still had to deal with the safety conce/emotions/fears of saurabh and others. involved ….. hmm…… which i could not….. or i did not……. and so i failed……..

10102009
0104 hrs…
qwell am totally drunk right now and osme oif the vodka(romanov) still remaining…… but am determined to finisth it off. wel may be after eating a liitl mormore…………Hmm didid call ups AP as promised………..but only to say that i am goint to drink……….infa t initially called her to say i cwent to the bus station and found no vacancy……… and so gave up……. and came back………while on the way saw somebody whose hair reminded me of ML…….. welll. that is all i said that time….. a little later she called back….she was having her hair applied with oil at the time i called her…… wonder wat it means thaT SHE CALLEd back……. i was at city choice buying something to eat.
(something i have to thank mkumaran for … i did alrEADY A couple of times. but will do it again…….jiust in case……. tommorrow. morning)
Also told him about the RS incident……… either way i told appu that am gonna drink…..and she said enjoy your vodka………. well she does remember what i said …..during the previous cal…..i made thee second call, while i was waiting for the food to be preapraed……. thank god kumaran insisted on it… without the food i might not have been able to finish the whole half of the vodka…….now i know my limit atleast when it comes to vodka………

17102009
1814 hrs…..
thought of an experiment to get over this habit of reading astrological predictions…
will keep noting down astrological predictions.for about 15-20 days along with the journal..
Perhaps i didn’t need to go to allahabad ?? All i needed was to recover from that kislay incident and a holiday of a couple of months would have done that ?? i never took that.. and almost killed myself working, when i didn’t want to work?? i wonder what would have been if i had taken that couple of months break?? see what i am about 1 and a half months after RS incident?? am over it… for the most part………. damn……what a waste of time that i have done?? i did know about GA/SVM/Machine learning before allahabad……only thing with allahabad is AP and ML……… not so bad ripple effects as the attraction was exposed pretty early….. especially the last few days…… doing almost nothing……not even had to worry about my food…. was all taken care of by parents at home.
21102009
0841 hrs…
Watched pokkiri on the bus yesterday…. Thought it would pump me up and put me in a good mood……..instead, it has evoked memories of RS and am back to imagining scenarios of her feeling sorry at what i have become….. AJ, it is not your job to make her feel guilty or sorry…… By no means at the cost of your life…….. may be you do wanna say a few things…… if that be the case send a mail……. or publish that stuff you wrote on those couple of days on ur blog and send a link… First of all complete that recounting the actual conversation…..

23102009
1348 hrs…..
Come another couple of days and it will be two full months since the RS incident……….hmm….. i never noticed tilll now………
25102009
1831 hrs….
Went over to prasad’s net cafe…. updated profile.on monster…… applied to a couple more companies….. found travian and g4m distracting……..
Updated blog about the RS incident……
Finally recharged the mobile…and called up appu..
26102009
0733 hrs…..
Its not worth being too polite to people, just because we are meeting them for the first time………Becoz.. Ah how many times, have I myself taken advantage of that?? remember flavia??

2337 hrs…..
Damn….. i miss all those mad pub hoppings…and drive back to SR’s place…etc……. Damn…. i miss them so much that, i have half a mind to go to SR’s apartment and see if i can catch any of them outside……
Even though, it is unlikely anybody will spot me on a bike and it is unlikely i will approach them..Am too proud to do that…..

30102009
0452 hrs..
Finally got Mozhi movie from gopi and watched it completely… reminded me of RS a lot many times……. hmm… anyway……. and now going for the porn……
0520 hrs..
Do i have a limit on how much help i can take??
2309 hrs….
Damn……i told gopi…. to have the change as tip…….i know i was trying to be funny..but it turned to be worse than that…. isn’t this very different from what saurabh told me…….he misses me …especially, where i get the drinks for him……….If i had shouted at saurabh……i wouldn’t have said this to gopi……. nope am definitely moving to that room……
15112009
2205 hrs…
Damn… have been watching scrubs…. and got back to my anger over RS and TGS’s reactino……heck.. i guess i will never get over it any time soon…….. i better get used to getting grumpy over that incident and the reactions of ppl to it…….

30112009
2253 hrs…
well woke up in the afternoon yet again and yet again having some wine…….been on a emotional rollercoaster the whole day……been meaning to finish the bellman-ford’s algorithm……..sincee yesterday…..believe am done with it now…..gotta test though…….. saw some of the group have gone to yercaud……. tortured myself watching the pictures on SR’s profile…….thought of asking for an apology, then realized i would be lying,if i said it..the only i regret is that i said it over the phone….saw on facebook couple of days ago that THW is coming back from abroad… comforting myself that, he probably doesn’t know it yet…
overall wallowing in self-pity…….. and societal anger…. relax AJ…….use that anger and pity……. remember how you used them when you were 13 to propel urself into a good score in high school ?? also in higher secondary?? remember how you spent the college days?? remember what susu had to say?? remember what flavia had to say?? remember what alok had to say also on behalf of abhigail??

01122009
1821 hrs…..
saw a couple of guys playing shuttle…..there were three…. joined them.. there was a guy from chennai…..playing on my team……..he immediately started taking lead calling leave and hit……was one of those players with little feet movement……i didn’t like that he used take and leave…..gotta tell him next time…..
and also make it clear am not gonna be bossed around…….damn the guy starts advising me on my game……. guess he was retaliating….
reminded me of THW….

02122009
1507 hrs…
TGS: i had begun to think of you as the twin brother i had always wanted…now you are dead……… and don’t exist anymore..
SR: you were becoming a cool mix between my mom and that sister i have always wanted…….now you are gone…..

08122009
1434 hrs….

RS the day at the wall, when u refused to try climbing is when i knew it wasn’t meant to be…….

09122009
2230 hrs..
huh……the images of broken necked RS and TGS …..flash across and i finally feel am over the issue…….well went a little further and exchanged the necks…..also did the same for jo and SR……huh…….. that was delicious…….either way if this is how i can achieve closure…..well then i need to do it a lot more actively…..in the future ……..rather than analyzing or thinking of future situations……as i have been doing over the past few months…yet it is to be proven that it is closure indeed………but think if this is not then it is the start of it……well let’s see…as RS (:P)wud put it only one way to find out..

14122009
0407 hrs..
RS…it was probably good we didn’t actually meet……….and i said it all over the phone.. i am not sure what i would have done otherwise……… still ….have you ever seen a cartoon where ice hits the body and the whole body freezes…… have u seen a video that shows this happening deep through the body.into the muscles, bones blood and finally the heart……well imagine it……that is exactly what happened when u called it out as lust………Thank you..
now i will have to be a jerk to so many ppl for a long time to come…….

15122009
0403 hrs..
TGS…you want me to say something in my defense??as you command aap ki imarzi.. well remember the time, u told me it was RS…..and the moments just before…. well i was just thinking, how similar we both were and then you tell me the girl is RS…..and remember my reaction…bye..

23122009
0351 hrs..
hell have been straight masturbation thrice again….. sent out a mail no couple of mails… to TGS,RS and PS.. still feeling…….it would have been better to grab RS by the throat.. pull her close and yell get lost …i kinda still miss that….well i have settle for that mail…

29122009
0115 hrs..
Heck…seems like this ride has made me more relaxed.. saw facebook suggest TGS as a friend… and was mostly indifferent except for going to block him..hmmm… finally closure..

Likewise. Good riddance. And no I didn’t think am anything like you. Don’t
insult me.
Now fuck off.

—–Original Message—–
From: AJ [mailto:xxxxx@gmail.com]
Sent: Wednesday, December 23, 2009 12:12 AM
To: xxxx@gmail.com
Subject: Ah the defence..

Hi
remember you asked me to defend myself. Well as i was saying b4 u
interrupted if you know me at all, you would also know that i didn’t
think there was anything to defend..

Anyway the point of this mail is this..

Remember the july 2008 i bunked in your room?? remember my reaction,
when you said RS is the girl you were talking about and being
interested in??
Well just a few minutes before that i was thinking how similar we both
were..almost like twin souls..

Good riddance.. …..Live a full life..

– Thanks and Regards
AJ

And here goes RS’s reply:
I have nothing to say in this matter except that you should’ve heard yourself talk – about it being’ just lust and nothing else’ and how you went about telling/narrating whatever it is you had in mind – to a supposed ‘friend’. Fine example of “friendship” that was.

On 12/23/09, AJ wrote:

hi…
this feels weird.. and a little painful.. but this is the only way i see out… Sometimes when there is a rock on the way the only way forward is to tunnel through and neither around nor over it..heck.. i can’t write a single paragraph without metaphoric drama..:-P

Let me get to the point..oh before it let me clarify a couple of things.
1. This is not an apology(since i don’t think i have anything to apologize for), but this is as close to what you might expect in an apology.
2. Warning: you may want to not read this mail, in order to keep your world view intact and stay happy, if so go ahead, I am not expecting any reply to this mail, hell i would hate any more correspondences.

For some time i thought it was all my mistake to tell you over the phone and not face to face.. But then i realized, it was better this way.. for if we had had that conversation face to face, i don’t know how i would have reacted.. Even on the phone,it took all my self-control to not raise my voice. Oh and by the way, do keep in mind that when you called i had myself to give up the whole thing as mad and move on and well you know what happened……..

Now as for your accusations, let me summarize as much as my memory would allow me:
1. How can i think like that??(not clear, but from the context, i infer u meant in a sexual way)
1a. So that is what you meant when you asked how far me and TGS have gone?? u meant whether i had slept with him??
2. Dandeli??That was close to the time we had met.why didn’t you say b4, i would have put you out of misery.
3. You went to allahabad and started to talk about ML.

If you have made it this far, another warning: Don’t read ahead, unless you are sure you can handle it.
1. I never said i thought in a sexual way..oh i did think and i think that is rather normal and natural.
1a. No i meant to ask how far in the relationship and/or commitment status you guys had gone. Agreed i phrased it too abstract and awkward sounding, but no i wasn’t thinking along those lines. and to make my stance clear i think virginity is over-rated anyway..
2.Becoz that was a very rough patch for me on the emotional front and i didn’t trust any of my first instincts.. put me out of misery?? huh… there was no misery in that sense…
Oh btw remember the time i called you and said about a friend in the previous batch asking about girlfriends?? well i was surprised myself at the hesitation i felt then and there was when i realized that initial thought had gone farther… remember ur reaction when i just narrated the incident??
3. Of course i did.. as i mentioned above i didn’t take any of my instincts during that mad period (jan 2007 -jul 2007) seriously.. oh by the way i really didn’t say anything abt ML to you… i happened to mention it(i like her) to TGS before he made it public to the whole group and i was mad at him for that..

Well i can’t remember anymore key points you went through during your emotional and verbal diaorrhea.. Forgive me if i have been blind to any chief issue..

P.S: Oh and by the way, when i came back last year? i had decided to talk to you about where we were going.. not sure what i wanted to say.. but decided to talk… then TGS comes along and tells me that he is.. i decide alright.. he is a lot more clearer than me and anyway am not going to be around .. i see the best thing for me to do is to stand by and say nothing..

Good Riddance………..Have a complete life..

–
Thanks and Regards
AJ

Ah and then she sent another mail…
Oh and don’t even try to compare yourself to TGS (and insult him)

Over and out… I can say a lot but i will save effort for myself and let the judgement to the ones who read this instead…

Well got online…got onto the usual travian, igoogle, google reader and gmail..found dev and asked him… for AP’s no.. he asked niharika and i got it from him… also found out amol’s number… came out and called up both… agreed to meet AP at green leaf restaurant… went over around 2.30 or so…had lunch …… spent the most part swapping stories …… and laughing silly…over how crazy it is an idea to drive down to mysore…… then started walking…. on a whim…. suggested we go to KRS…. AP said we should walk… i tried to sell her the bike idea…..she said she doesn’t trust my driving…. I shrugged and we started walking towards KRS……. walked about 7-9 kms in two hours and half or so…. mostly swapping some story. listening to some story……..pausing to take a few pictures….. paused and called up dhruv once……. and then got tired enough(of course AP insisted, it is just the time and that she had go back to the PG early..) and stopped a bus and took it…… went till Brindavan Garden…. roamed around till they closed(i.e 7.30 )… and returned by bus…..got off near hunsur road… took an auto till basavappa hospital opposite to CIIL.. got my bike.. and i dropped her to the PG…. had dinner near the bar next to the restaurant… had a glass of wine and chicken biriyani…. and went to the room watched the cricket match, and slept like a log………. Got up late next morning somewhere around 11 am…felt the back was still hurting so.. decided to go next morning…went back .bought soap paste etc. asked room service to get me a shirt and pant.. spent 750, (he said it was 670 and 50 for auto charge, i had given him 700 initially…was not thinking and gave him 50 more. he was happy.. )) . brushed, had a bath and . went and had lunch again at the same bar/pub/restaurant nearby.. went back and fell asleep again…… woke up just around 9 pm… had dinner..got a couple of hide and seek biscuits.. came back to the room. and started watching a movie.. asked the reception to wake me up at 4 am.. there was this guy, who asked my name and started looking in the book. and couldn’t find….. i pointed out my entry….he saw the handwriting was scrawny…..and started giving me advice…. i had had enough… told him i had been driving about 6 hrs…before coming down…and that is the best i could write at that time…. he shut up finally….
I tried to sleep but could not… watched two movies straight. and got bored.tried to sleep but couldn’t…..it was 1.am by this time….
Decided leave then and there..
Got out, woke up the hotel receptionist staff, who were sleeping…. and thought i was checking in….. … two days cost me Rs.700.. anyway left… and had to roam around mysore for some time before i found the bangalore road……to my dismay it began to drizzle intermittently.. i couldn’t drive with my glasses…. the only way was to remove my glasses and keep the helmet visor open…….. still i couldn’t go too fast…..it was slow progress like this for about…….an hour and a half i must have done about 20-30 kms during this time.. or maybe less… am not sure.. anyway finally it stopped after some time.. and i began to cruise…..then it began.. the patch of road filled with bumps and impromptu speed breakers.. Discovered as the road was wet, i was skidding even at 60 kmph…My bike has its front brake clutch cracked…so sometimes when the alignment is gone it is useless…so i just use the back brake……… well anyway… didn’t have too much trouble on the way, till i reached mandya….. just as i entered mandya…… i met a traffic cop…. was a little late in seeing him asking me to stop… so brake a little suddenly…….and the bike skidded again….but i was fine staying on. except a little nervousness..told the cop i don’t have my front brake… and he asked me to pay an entrance fee.. i asked how much, he said Rs.50 .. i had a suspicion at the back of my mind that he is bluffing and it is just bribe but the few skids had me a little nervous.. so didn’t stand up to him.. or demand a receipt and just paid him and left… infact i was nervous enough that got the bike off a couple of times… before i started back… .. Anyway… had no other problems till i reached bangalore, rajarajeshwari nagar….And oh…on this stretch, i managed an average of 60 kmph… and there were times when i was maxing at 75 kmph..and thought i might be able to break the 85 kmph barrier if i pushed it……but there were a hell lot of lorries, so i couldn’t try… anyway. on the mysore road about 30,40 kms from bangalore, there is a stretch where half of the road is being worked upon… i was feeling sleepy by the time i reached there but kept going.. then the road is normal. when it came to that part. i was dozing and noticed it too late to shift.but still tried.. ended up with the front wheel on the dividing space and engine off.. heck. luckily there was a tea shop near by… so got down and got two tea……about 15-20mins before i reached Rajarajeshwari nagar around 7 am…..i realized there was some wobbling in the pillion when pushed around 60… anyway came down … went straight.. i missed the outer ring road…and came upon a junction where i paused to ask.. that is where the auto guy pointed out my back tire was gone. guess it must have gone near the tea shop, where i went off the road to reach the shop… anyway found a puncture guy.he opened up and found it was punctured at 4 places, offered to replace new… i said no…. and he charged me a 100 bucks.. anyway found out the outer ring road… and was on it… reached banashankari where the road was dug up and took a right there …..that was the mistake…. i must have taken left i believe there.. well anyway…i ended going a long distance into kadirenahally and further away…all sleepy… anyway… asked around and finally found the kanakapura road…….. and was on it…..but realized soon that i was too tired to keep going and paused for about 15 mins. and left again… and this time ended up on bannerghatta road… and soon was home… without any more incidents….
Moral of the story…. you know when you get tired and need a coffee/tea……so listen to your body and take the coffee/tea break…

Either way the reason, i ended up with phone, was the long wait and the surprise… i had quite forgotten her number and given up on the mission altogether to be expecting her call…
It sometimes seems ridiculously funny…
But that is where my regret starts and ends….

Well not exactly… it also lies in the total extinction of hopes i had.I do feel sad.. but not guilty of breaking any sanctimonious stuff… I never believed in the sanctimony in the first place… I always contended that was a misplaced sanctimony… an anachronistic, irrational belief.. though i never challenged it before…
That is the reason, i think for the relief, i felt at the end of the conversation… Somehow it has been interpreted as a very cheap thing to do, by the very firm believers of the sanctimony of marriage.

So much for all that analysis i did and planning i did about how do i go about this??
Maybe, i should have never waited..
Maybe, it was the long wait, that aroused my frustration and caused me to do it over phone and as blunt as i did…Nope it was not blunt.. just cold and unemotional……

Maybe the hard to fake signal is the emotion and since it was missing, it was interpreted as lust or whatever else…

Well atleast a few things are clear now…
1. The more i plan, the less i can emote… planning and practice are exactly the stuffs that distill out the emotion for the big occasion (atleast that is how it all works for me..)
corollary: i can only emote spontaneously….

2. When it comes to matters that involve emotion never postpone it.. just go with the flow.. if not simply because, that is what people look for in the most serious situations…. we are all hardwired for that kind of interactions……. calm, cold rationality is unnatural… face it…… you have been brought up with a myth… it is taught to kids, because as a society we want to avoid violence… the hardwired emotional interactions are all designed to be useful in the battlefield….you are one of the cases of taking it too seriously and harming yourself in the process…. remember ur bro’s marriage and the day b4 shouting at ur mom that when did she ever like anything i did…. don’t regret it… (But i did exactly that in this case…. except she never understood it.. even though i find that hard to believe.. )

Am sure, sometime about 20-30 years later, this would all seem like a silly thing, but that doesn’t take away the pain this has caused to all the parties concerned.

But still after all this what is that bowel movement all about?? what is that peeing all about?? Adrenalin, dying out?? I guess…
I guess all the calm and reason can’t avoid a physical reaction to this strong a stimulus.
But am happy that despite all that adrenalin, i kept my cool.. perhaps to the detriment of the situation, nevertheless, i kept cool..

Maybe if i had emoted more either or both of them would have understood more, but it is just a hypothesis and all my past experiences suggest otherwise…
well maybe am being biased in judging my past experiences…

Also , i can even grant the possibility of RS forgetting what i said, during the trip to the wayanad trip, but even what she asked last year??
When TGSF told me and she called me the next day(she doesn’t remember that either) to clarify, she asked me ” Do you have any dark secrets??” But now claims not to remember that either.. well at that moment i had answered “no it doesn’t make any sense.”

Ok here it is verbatim (as i remember)
RS: Do you have any dark secrets?
AJ: no
RS: No tell me we are matured ppl…
AJ: No it doesn’t make any sense. (so i can’t talk about it..)

The part within the brackets is the part that is not verbatim. but i remember only the meaning of what i said??
May be all of this is because i am a bad communicator..
May be, i did not make it clear to her last year that there is something, but i don’t understand it enough so can’t talk about it..

I know that is what i meant and have been believing to be true, over the last year… well… that is another question that seems to gonna go without an answer for years to come…hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
can’t do anything more about it..
Just be a lot more formal and careful, in all future relationships… be careful enough to be as precise as possible(given the language’s inherent deficiencies)Let that be a reminder.. to you..

05102009
Damn……….it is more than a month and i still haven’t found closure………Now i even think how i would have reacted if i had met her somewhere……. damn……. she said that’s what you meant when you asked “How far TGS and you have gone?” is it…….u meant if we had slept…….. Damn……. i might even have hit her…….. Well……… can’t keep that crippling…..me……. though… gotta go on………

I can’t really think how exactly i put it across that i wanted a live-in relationship, but it happened.
(Get back to it a little later… may be in a couple of days… else you sound like a scared, defensive, guilty party)

She was shocked.. and asked, from when was this clear? I said about the beginning of the year.

The truth he did ask me if i was comfortable, when he kissed me and i said yes……but i really was feeling detached except for some minutes when he was inside of me……….Those were the only times i was at the moment………. all the more reason for me not to do it again….. i guess….. let’s see………
Have no idea what i was thinkiing, calling him like that and asking for it….
But somehow don’t regret it ………And to be honest do want the feeling of being filled when he was inside me again…… for some reason, but not sure can do it again……..
Hmm…let me see…….he said we can meet again….i said yes…. if he calls me ……. let me take it from there…..i am not calling him…… not that keen……

Oh yeah now got what was missing…… the chemistry…there was none…. He proved to be ego-centric and not really probing about me……. and i am not really a volunteer autobiography distributor……
Which was the real reason…..I should have had enough sense not to go with him… hmm……..high insensitivity to signs of the chemistry?? or was it just predetermined…. to try out….. more like predetermined…….. hmm……. will have to watch out for that though..

Looks like this might be the last time experiment in the guy side….no more experimental sex on the guy side…… Am now very clear about my preferences….. it is just not worth it……. Although there is the removes boredom part………..just need to get along with something else….. becoz other wise it has too many negatives that obstruct the flow after it is over………

Was there an element /after shadow of the old school fantasy???? To be honest I did not create the mail Id at the moment, but had created it earlier for sex chat (On second thoughts, I had created it even when I was in college and used to go to chat rooms and act as a girl.. to get myself off..so I never really forgot the girl child theory it had continued in college too… except for the fact that it was a little subdued during college……..hmm…….. the undercurrent has always been there even though receding slowly throughout in fact even now can’t completely claim to have lost it …….i had the g4m id still upto a month ago, when I finally deleted it…….otherwise I used to just go and find guys for one-night stands or sex chat..but never really did meet anybody except once……infact deleted the id a couple of times and recreated but hopefully won’t create again… there may not be a necessity for it I guess…. ) I guess I still hadn’t given up on all those old school fantasies. Well I spent a lot of time, staying online at office, reading novels(e-books) , sex-chats and once in a while a little work. I guess having been through school and college without much effort, I was a little spoilt. But soon I got bored of sex-chat and masturbation. So (By this time, I had already found g4m and other sites, through one of the gay chat rooms and/or google) Once I got bored of chat I started looking for ppl to actually meet and and started looking for foreigners. I guess it was just xenophilia or Implicit Bias or towards white skin, but at that point, I justified it to myself saying that it is safer, since they will be log more open and frank and so understand the secrecy I want. And will not disturb after that day. (Sounds totally biased now but now I realize I also did not trust most of the indians I met on chat through g4m as they seemed to be bent too much toward sex and were looking urgently for sex.)
So I found this german guy called (“Uwe Doeffler” we chatted once or twice, exchanged one or two emails.(Actually I also met a couple of other guys (a couple from UK and a guy from the US) too..but never got the chance to meet them.the prof from US came to india on some vacation but I was sick and was not in blore so we never met.)) . We agreed to meet up at “Higgin bothams” and go for a drink and then take it from there. I did not eat anything that day for fear of it interferring with anal sex. (I was not sure what would happen otherwise)So I drunk only juices. I was pretty excited/nervous when I left work that day. I reached the place and met him opposite to HG on M.G road. We decided to go for a drink and walked down and went to “20 feet above” to have some drinks. We went there ordered beer and got introduced and talked for a bit about our orientation. He was a bi and I said am just curious and that’s why I come. He said he is a teacher and is staying at Don Bosco school . Then he complimented me I have good fingers. Then we spoke for a couple of minutes I don’t remember what ( I was getting drunk on account of low glucose level)After a couple of beers he asked me again if I am still comfortable and interested in trying it out. I said yes. (We paid the bill and I said we have to share. He tried to say it is alright he shall pay but I refused the offer and we ended up splitting). We left and I discovered I was drunk enough to lose the coordination of my limbs.(Mind it it was just my second time drinking…). He kept holding my hand and saying my fingers are nice. He also said since he is staying just above the school premises and has only a single bed we have to be silent…
During all this time I had a detached state of mind observing what is happening. I sure was answering questions, but there was a monitoring and evaluating the whole thing all the time. (Now that I think of that I remember him saying how I am spontaneous and how he likes that..:D) Anyway we go back to his room, start kissing and undressing.(I just mirror his actions like kissing, grabbing the ass, undressing etc…) Once undressed, he pulls out condoms, we put them on and start hugging and fondling.(Oh no first he goes to the loo, washes himself off and politely asks me “don’t I want to do the same??” cute huh ) .He asks me to lie down, licks my dick(I almost scream of pleasure,he has to hold my mouth closed), sucks it a couple of times, then gives me a handjob. I cum and I am exhausted, but he is still erect.I say “I’m done” and tired. He says it is unfair, as he is still on. I hug him and whisper “fuck me please”. He asks me to bend and tries to enter me from behind, but after a couple of thrusts,gives up as my muscles automatically convulse and push him out. I get up and ask him to “fuck me” again. We try a different position, with me lying down and him trying to enter me kneeling, me raising my ass a little bit…Again my anal muscles push him out…. He goes to the loo flushes out the condom washes himself and asks me to do the same.(I was drunk all this time to just think of any of these except my memory was still recording..)
Then he asks me to take him in my mouth to his dick and asks me to lick, I get bored after a few licks and tells him I am tired. He says it is unfair… and I go back to giving him a blow job, no more licking just a blow job.. and take his cum in and swallow it completely. Then washing off again…then we go off to sleep on the single cot side by side. I wake up a little before sunrise and want to do the whole thing again, but he’s asleep and I don’t want to wake him up, fearing how he’ll react. I satisfy with just a few touchings towards his crotch. And then in the morning(once he wakes up) I leave, making sure I don’t make any noise. I come back home and think about the whole thing over and over. The only conclusion, I can come to is that it was boring because I was aware of all/most of my actions and I wanted to forget that part. This may because I thought of it as an experiment, thereby raising expectations. May be because I planned the whole thing. So the only conclusion, I came to was that I am not planning anything like this later. If sex happens, it happens. I think I would like anything like it only if I weren’t aware of what I am doing. I guess that is what I actually am looking for then, whatever it is called. I am deliberately not putting a term to it because that triggers too many senses for anybody reading, most of which I feel don’t fit in here…
So readers Thanks for putting up with me this for and tell what is the word and what is my sexuality??
Oops I gotta mention my second kiss to be fair. This was a girl alright. Two years later, I have realized I am miserable enough about my job too fall sick. Recover from it and quit the job and go crazy and get kisssed. (got a life?? huh am not clear about that part yet mostly yes but not 6-sigma sure). Anyway I was at this week-after-trek party and was busy getting drunk enough to remember what is happening but not judging what I am doing stage. I end up talking with the only other girl who is awake long enough, we discover we both read and like Richard Bach(to be honest we discovered it even when a couple of other people were there but.. in a manner of speaking..), we talked about illusions and how to do what you want and believe in, rather than listening to other people’s advice. She related instances of when, who, where and how she had questioned advice from relatives asking back “So what?” question and then done what she wanted. I was impressed as I was blaming myself for listening to others (sounds a little weird, still does:)) and said so very clearly. Also said I couldn’t do that and she asked why and I didn’t reply and she left it at that..Later we decided to go to sleep and only the sofas were left behind or had to use the mattress and the floor. She took the double sofa and I tried to sleep on the other single one.. Obviously it was small and I was trying to look for some space to rest my head on.. I ended up on her cheek and tried a couple more times, before she kissed me(not clear whether there was grabbing my face or how we found each other’s lips). Then I forgot the fact that I thought she’s fat and don’t find her physically attractive, emotionally a little kiddish, careerwise totally orthogonal and all those evaluations I had already done in the couple of parties(1 or 2 atmost) where I had met her before. I just went with the flow and started caressing her and the next thing I know my hands were at her bra trying to unhook. I remember her breaking off the kiss and looking at me, but I was too ashamed of myself, to open my eyes that I kept them closed. Then it was all over and we broke up and pretended to go to sleep, me berating myself and wondering what led me to do that and how could I have given in to lust when I knew we had nothing in common to go anywhere in terms of a relationship. I woke up in the morning and found her on the balcony and she was listening to billy joel. But I was not clear about anything and so did not start any mention of what had happened, except asking what she is listening to. She left after sunrise. Later that evening, I still felt guilty and messaged her saying I am sorry, for last night, I just got carried away. She messaged back saying she has no idea of what I am talking about and she was too sloshed to remember anything from the last night. Have assumed, she did not want to talk about it and left it. Later we still met quite a couple of times even alone too and talked a lot more(basically she said a lot more) and I listened. But I was still preoccupied with the problem of my life and reacted neither positive nor negative. Just mentioned to her once saying I have my friend’s number, and get weird calls from guys saying I gave them the number. Now she believes I am gay, guess that keeps her happy.

In short they are all hiding from something they are afraid of facing.(After all that is how we make most of the rules……….). Am digressing now, but coming back what is the cause that leads to one’s orientation/sexuality??

I can’t probably treat this question in my preferred manner (as mentioned above) because it requires a huge amount of experiments and data, which I neither have access, nor the patience to collect. So I shall have to revert to my personal,subjective experiences. I consider myself straight, but then looking at my sexual activity, till now it feels weird. I mean I have only once had a sex partner in any sense of the word and that was a man. But considering that in the community where I grew up and I still am in, sex is still taboo( can’t talk about it without being looked down at) this is a big thing, and probably this would classify me as ‘gay’ in most people’s eyes.
But I believe I laid to rest a few skeletons from my past when I get laid . It was a rather planned clean, no strings attached thing and mostly an experiment from my part. (To set up the triggers for the experiment, I gotta digress and go into a little autobiography on my part.
I grew up with my elder brother as the only sibling. AFAIK I can remember a more or less normal childhood. I grew up as a rather timid, shy kid..(well atleast with non-family and till 15 or so years…..). I grew up having been told I should try to get the top rank, just like my brother. My mother somehow believed that I am capable of doing that except for the lack of discipline and made it clear, I better shape up and study hard or else……… Well am not sure I got it that clear at that point but that’s how it sounds when I look back at it now…… I kind of grew up thinking I was a brilliant and a fear that I should study, even though I felt like play. I have been shouted at enough times to sit and study. (Of course my mom would say I was given enough freedom to play and I played the most). I guess from their viewpoint, I played a lot more than my brother and thereby I had enough freedom, relatively speaking. While I looked at my classmates and felt I was restricted too much. I guess the problem was with an absolute vs relative standards, but I digress again. I guess it is nobody’s mistake in the end of the day. The point here being I ended up sitting with a book and day-dreamed a lot. Sure I managed to go and play once in a while but stayed home a lot more than most of my classmates, except may be a few girls.(Or so I think and/or thought). Of course all these staying at home led me to read all possible novels, books, stories and visualize a lot of them. It was such an easy escape route to go on day-dreaming in all of these and fit myself into one of the characters.
On the other hand, clearly remember having problems with pronunciation. I have been laughed at countless number of times when I had mispronounced, as a result (or so I believe) , I started to stammer a lot. And from there on it is a downward spiral as you can imagine. But then somewhere I kinda turned it into a joke and learned to live with being laughed at. But am digressing again……… The point being I have also had moments when my mom used to pull my leg saying “I was found in the hospital and not her child” Of course I knew she was pulling my leg and laughed it off at the moment, but somehow there were phases of depressed loneliness, when I believed the stuff. I don’t exactly know how old I was then, but I clearly remember asking for something and being refused and I trying to argue with my mom and she answering in a snarl at me ….. Then I remember getting upset about it……..and my father telling me “She’s sometimes like that” we need to get used to it.
I now believe that this was the beginning of the separation/ formation of ego/ whatever else it is called. The issue of course being, I started hiding my emotions/emotional reactions to other people. I learnt the poker face.(Read learnt to act happy or smile even when I was upset). Oops the chronological order is mixed up may be I’ll rearrange it later.
Going back to my first sexual experience, I remember discovering Orgasm by accident. I was too young for any ejaculation, but felt the peaking of orgasm rather vividly.. The way I discovered is also of some importance here as I was in one of my fantasies. Don’t remember what triggered this specific one , but there were times when I used to imagine I will transform into a girl (usually after some disagreement with my mom). This time I was lying face down and was pushing on the ground as if to push my dick into my body and make it disappear. I guess this sounds like a male version of “vaginal monologues”.. Either way I was beginning to hate myself even though only in phases. I have to give this one to another of harmless things mom and grandmom used to say. They both wanted a girl child for the second child, but got me instead. I think this is also another fantasy from the rejection I perceived/felt at times. (In fact Thinking of it now, I remember trying out my mom’s clothes when I am alone at home… and feeling good about it… and then mastubating…
In fact I even went to the extent of wearing a sanitary napkin, just to see how it feels…sounds crazy now.. but true. Did all those stuff…)

The other was that I would put myself into any orphan kid role/analogy from the most recent movie/novel I had read/watched and go into some daydream, following a sequence of events according to the analogy.
On the other hand it didn’t help either that I started hating the masturbation, I was doing and started negative reinforcement(read trying to punish myself for the session by pressing the button into my chest or something like that) on myself..
It didn’t help that I was kinda alone in the school (a fact I now would like to attribute to my mom working at the school, but really not clearly established).
Another incident that estranged me from my mom was the smoking by (classmate). He had taken to smoking and I happened to know it the other day, when many of my classmates were excited. On anticipation of a demonstration. Of course me being a teacher’s son was left out of it for the most part, but I sniffed something and managed to get it out of a friend, who was not doing well enough to stay away from me. (Ofcourse he told me on the condition that I mustn’t tell mom Or did he??).
When I came home that evening, mom also thought something was funny and asked questions(I must have looked confused as I thought it was bad to smoke and also bad to break the promise) and figured out what was going on. She never commented about it , but went on to go and punish the guy, with an enquiry in front of the whole class(ofcourse withholding my name, but just saying that they know who did what).That sidelined me in the class and I became almost an outcast. Most of the guys ganged up and decided not to talk to me, though they couldn’t implement that one.
It was a repetition story when the next time one of my friends had a fight with the principal in her room and told me the story. Now an exact repeat performance from both me and my mom, resulted in the expulsion of the friend in question.(To this day, I haven’t spoken to him and have no idea what he thinks about it now.) I guess this is when the separation was complete..I started keeping secrets and evaluating the effect of saying them to my mom before blurting out everything..Or may be I am just concentrating the whole process into a single event.

That leads on to the case of my fight with my bro. This is where I learnt physical action is rated above speech. I used to have a lot of fights with my bro, where I usually am the first one to hit. My bro would either tease me saying something nasty or will press the points below my ear lobes. I used to react by hitting out and he hits back and I cry… Mom comes in, intervenes and settles it either by who hit first( which usually is me ) or just yells at both of us to go and do something else.
The other striking incident I remember from my childhood is being locked in the built, but not whitewashed Dad’s house by my grandpa. He would claim ignorance of my being there and call it an accident later, but now am not so sure. (he might have forgotten.or wanted to see what I do).. When we entered the house,I remember hollering to him that I am going upstairs very clearly, but don’t think checked for his acknowledgement. I like to believe now that he intended to test me. But he said he did not know I was there and so he looked and left, when his job was done. I was very close to him and this incident I guess must have been a huge trust violation for me at that time. But that’s again a guess. Am not sure whether am being gentle towards him as he is dead now..

That is another set of incidents, led me to believe in the orphan theory/wanted girl child theory………A year after my friend was expelled from school, I passed my 10th exams and went onto higher secondary classes. For which I went to a school 50 km from home and so into a boys hostel. There begins the second wave of crystallisation of my ego/personality. I found that, there are all kinds of boys in the hospital sorry hostel. I met some guys and made some friends, Met some others and hated them. Met some guys who wanted to play groping and giving handjobs (and whatever else I never found out.). When I first got the invitation(read I was groped and had my dick played with), I was taken aback, shocked. I pushed away the guy and walked away and stayed away and stayed with the others who I thought are safe. It’s a different story he got beaten up by another guy for trying the same with him. This is also the time during which I started maintaining a diary. I needed to keep track of my thoughts and so that I don’t get confused or get caught in an infinite loop.(Infact I am guilty of the infinite loop mistake too many times..Somehow I don’t seem to learn…….. even now I still get into it sometimes……) Anyway this is also the time, I has some more idle time to daydream, whatever I wanted, as we had study time, when we were expected to sit and study in a room, where we are not allowed to talk/make noise. So people ended up playing book cricket/ drawing or others like me day dreaming or dozing off. The point being I continued with the recurring theme that has been there all my life (orphaned child/girl-child)., but during this period the orphaned child took precedence and was more common. More importantly, here is where my main pattern of social interaction was established. Any new guy will be listened to attentively for some time,and then judged/evaluated for the level of n , trust. After the call is taken, he will start getting to know the parts of me based on his level of trust. After the call is taken, he will start getting to know the parts of me, based on his level of trust.(The beginnings of compartmentalisation???). Of course there were lots of experimentation and so lots of fights and disappointments were in order. Infact even now I can’t claim to have completely stopped experimenting. Once the trust level is determined, he will find a completely(well not so complete.. heheh) different AJ, one who anticipates his objections and dazzles him with arguments that stupefy him. This is also where I learnt that I am good enough to do most of the class/home work and don’t really need to work hard…

So I learnt to study, when I felt like studying/reading, but sleeping at other times, when I was forced to sit down to study, but did not want to study.. This would later make me both notorious and famous among students and teachers alike for sleeping… with the addition of an aura of genius among the students(since I did not top the class in overall ranks, but did well in the science subjects only, teachers never noticed me till the board exam results), which led to more estrangement and loneliness. This was also the phase where the orphan child script went on to extend into hitherto unknown magnitude. It was easy, but also the realization of ‘live with it ‘ hit me. I learnt to control these flights of fantasy and more importantly to get a few things done. I guess that’s when I made peace with the devil
Ok, going back in time to where I still lived with my parents, I had once been in what is now called an experimental suicide attempt. Once after a minor tiff off with my mom, I went into my usual orphan/unwanted child fantasy and felt very bad. Infact so bad that I wanted to kill myself and realized the knife was too blunt to commit suicide with. This has been happening a couple of times when I saw the ‘Baygon bait’ pack with these maroon coloured small cubes, marked poison. Decided to use it but then am not sure what happened ( guess was scared), but used only a little amount of it, put it in the water and drank it. Then went to the room and lied down waiting to die and then it hit me, what the fuck am I doing with all these drama. If I am an orphan/unwanted child, so be it.
I’ll study, complete my course , get a job and live my life, trying out all that I want to do. Killing myself is neither going to help me or anybody for that matter. The only downside to this argument/stance/decision being, I will need to continue being a burden a little longer for my parents.(till I pass out or get a job… part-time jobs were unheard of at my place at that time.. guess even now they are so)
That was quite a turning point in my life and I started studying seriously hard for my board exams. I would wake up at 4 am, trying to study and fall asleep with the lights on. Fantasies turned from orphan-child waiting for the real parents to find him into kid can’t wait to complete school and college and start working and earning. Decided on joining a polytechnic after 10th as that offered the least no of years to job and earning money. Infact this also lad em to write that I can’t wait to finish school and get a work and start earning, in one of half-yearly exams, english paper, letter to some friend. Ofcourse there was after a aptitude test that would goad me into Engg., by suggesting I do Accounts(considered a useless career choices and looked down upon).Medicine was a no-no because I was still scared of drawing accurate beautiful diagrams(just couldn’t have the patience). Now I am saying all of these only because when the result came, it was a horribly disappointing feeling to see that I had lost out on the whole because of scoring very low on English 55%. which was about the lowest I had scored. Well the only reason it seemed to b that we had lesser time for the exam because of the driver losing his way and I had written at my fastest speed ever. Add to this the fact, I was notorious for illegible handwriting.
Also I had been accused of not writing exactly what is required to be written. I had been told umpteen no of times by my mom that ‘Newton’s law’ was sacred and has to be repeated exactly the way Newton said it. I used to cheekily reply that if you want Newton’s law as he said it, then why ask me?? go and ask Newton you anyway already know what Newton exactly said. My principal says now that they once had to ask a new teacher to read/reevaluate my paper again and explain to her, because she had given very little marks the first time. I guess that’s all because she was looking for textbook defn., while I had written it all in my words. So I had this aura of a prodigy even in high school, but was not aware of it, with nobody having said it enough times.. (I now remember being called a mathematician… but don’t remember keeping that too much in mind ,during the times of trouble,.Ofcourse there were times when I kept it in mind and dreamed on.. Like forming an equation out of a registration number sometimes noting them down..but they were not the strongest memories in me..) and the higher secondary, contrasted the difference and sen me on my solitary trips and I got a little high-headed. I got to admit as much. Wish I had found libraries and read more maths at that stage, but no I was happy to not be reading….and enjoying my freedom too much. I got to admit as much .So went through 2 years of +2 with a tag of Einstein-II and still having lots of fun fooling around. During this period, we were all allowed to go out one hour every weekend and I used it to experience the joys of roaming around town and eating out. That’s how my first taste of total freedom or first time spent away from home went happily and without much ado. I still managed to study decently well enough and score good enough, with some more effort in the couple of months, just before the exams, I had a decent score. And of course my handwriting nemesis, struck again and I scored a lot lower than I deserved/expected in Chemistry. So much disappointment that , I left without visiting my aunt who was staying in the same town. The worst thing was I had made one hell of an effort to use a different colour to write specific keywords and all for a lost cause.
Also I remember very clearly my dad visiting me sometime after 2/3 exams. His main question was how much I would score and his estimate was 65%. I guess he was thinking he should not put pressure of expectation on me(am I being defensive here???) But at the moment I was extremely upset and I think this furhered my estrangement from the family. Looking back, it sounds a little silly, but nevertheless I ran away a little more… Later when the scores and the engg. Entrance scores and the time for counselling came, they were all surprised pleasantly, to see I had actually scored a lot higher than my bro. I guess my father had come to the estimate based on my playful behaviour usually throughout high school times(He had always been the patient guy, who seemed to think my mom was doing a good enough job of being strict throughout the 15 years I lived at home.) but then I guess he never saw the serious side of me. I must either have been one hell of an actor even at that age or my parents must have been too busy. Either way all these incidents went into a vicious spiral estranging myself more and more away from my family. Later when the actual day of Engg. Counselling, I wanted either a Comp. Sci or ECE(ECE was the first preference or so I remember now), but my parents and bro all thought I should take mech @ TCE, since it is a good college. As a matter of fact my bro accompanied me to the counselling and at the center, I was still confused, while he was the one who gave the choice. Till now they all feel a little guilty and I have let them feel so as it is comfortable for me too. (Or is this a ruse to act as the most honest guy ??????).
The actual topping came when my college extended its number of seats in ECE,EEE, CSE &IT to include some more govt.-aided and self-financing courses. My Dad went for the re-counselling and I told him clearly if I don’t get a govt-aided seat it is pointless takeing it. He tried to argue about how they can pay and they shall pay, but I ended it saying if he takes the payment seat option, he should consider the 5K wasted. I guess at that point the feeling of being a financial burden on my parents had become a very strong theme in my personality/ego/psyche. Also I had interpreted the insistence on TCE(govt-aided college as opposed to self-financed colleges where I had CSE/ECE group), as positive evidence for the orphan child theory, which just worsened things. These are all during the first semester in college.
Then I had trouble, with some of the professor’s attitude also when I tried to ask what I thought were exciting questions and wanted to examine them(Oh no there I go sounding as if I were refined and sophisticated…infact my ideas were too simplistic and probably been tried by somebody.. just I hadn’t read anything on the area and used the reactions of professors as an excuse to not study and pursue the question)and got depressed about it. Then I went on daydreaming about quitting and applying next year for different branch, but finally stayed (on account/excuse of being financially free sooner), but without the heart. Stayed in Mechanical with the mind/brain, but strayed with heart into whatever I felt like reading(ended up reading RDBMS and OOAD at the library..) which later turned out to be useful in the IBM interview and led me onto software and computers.
I was in the hostel for all the 4 years of my engineering. Formed a couple of groups. Some of them where I was looking upto others bcoz they knew more information, but also thought we were equals because we were equally adept at playing around with abstract entities.(looking back most of this group were CSE/ECE subbu/balaji/appandai/vinothkumar etc..) . Another group where most of the others were very loyal to me, but I thought were a little too literal minded to discuss ideas , but good to hang around and have fun. By this time I had no way of understanding intimacy/closeness or whatever u wanna call it (not sure I know it even now, but that’s for another time.). Sometime in the 4th year is when I found myself in the same position as the guy who tried to kiss me in higher secondary (During that period, I had formed a couple of friends , whom I trust( who didn’t solicit handjobs and such), but I was comfortable with. The other day one of these friends challenged me that I cannot stay up the whole night to study/ or whatever. I said I can and took him upon the bet. Sometime about 4.00 am in the morning his behaviour changed. I am not sure what triggered or even what exactly I can’t remember, but I was already getting wary and saying I am done and going to sleep. We walked down into the hostel and he tried to kiss me. I pushed him away and went to sleep.(looking back am not sure what was on his mind, he might just be trying to win his bet.) but anyway I never spoke to him afterwards.)) Coming back to the college days, I was in my fourth year and I was lying on the bed with my friend ‘saravanan’ (from the 2nd group.) was sleeping next to me one-sided. I turned and found him face to face and my first curious response was to reach for his lips with mine. I put it down to curiousity as I never forced anything enough to wake him up but just to see how it feels. Still remember moustache as an irritating feeling. This was probably the first conscious, voluntary, proactive kiss. I also put out my tongue and licked his lips, but was careful during all of those to not wake him up. (Straining my memory a little more, I think I even reached up to his crotch, but did not do anything for fear of waking him up and being found out.)
Later in the same year placements began and companies arrived there were a lot of uncertainty about whether mechanical engineering students will be allowed to sit for a s/w company or not. I for one wanted to go into s/w and not mech company. The decision was mostly bcoz, I did not want to go to mech. Industry and felt s/w will be a lot more exciting work (lots of imaginative and speculative work).So I studied hard, the first company TCS, came got through the AT, attended the interview, and got nervous, blabbered a lot of shit in interview, lost my nerve, went back on my answer and did not get selected. CTS came, I gave the AT did not clear it, blamed it on the fact of me not knowing the negative marking policy they had and left it at that. Then came a company called ‘E-funds’ they wanted more than 75%, I had only 72% , but decided WTF. I am as good as anybody else on the AT tests they give, I can clear it easily enough. So I will take it. Took the test, scored the the second/third(interestingly there is a question of whether I took a peek into the actual list or a friend of mine told me, but that is irrelevant here) on the top list, prepared the resume saying 72%, went to the interview and got thrown out, even before meeting any of those interviewers. (sounds funny now…) They saw my resume(they went through all resumes, found another guy from IT with 67%) and immediately reported to my college placement officer. He called me out and also the other guy and then gave us a long shouting and lecture, reported to our respective Dept. placement officers. Mech P.O reported to Head of Dept. I met him and he asked me why I did it, I said I wanted s/w comp and no one else coming after this were to take mech dept students for the recruitment process. They said there will be other companies like infosys, asked me to write an apology letter and submit it to the college P.O.
That takes me to the other two ‘apology letters’ I wrote in my academic experience. The first one was when I went to Higher secondary, I was in the class waiting for some teacher to come and was bored, so started playing with the bench, in front of me, by lifting it with my feet and was testing how much I can lift it and accidently dropped it, making a hell lot of noise. The teacher’s staffroom was nearby, somebody heard it, came in saw the bench on the floor,shouted for who did it, I owned up, he took me to the staffroom, made me write an apology saying, I would not try to break a bench again and then left me alone. This was in the first year at higher secondary school (NSBHSS). Even though I was nervous at the moment, I later decided it made for a fine adventure.:P

The second one came during the first year in college hostel. We were in the I year, all scared about ragging. 5 of us were allotted a single room and in the first week. We were unsure of whether all had keys and decided not to lock the room as the only lock we had only one key.
When we came back, we found the room locked with an unfamiliar lock. One of our roommates was from a town 200 km from the college, it was weekend and he was planning to go home. He was getting more and more nervous, I went around the other rooms, found a axe blade/file used it to saw off the lock and go in. We were in our rooms, with murugesh getting ready to leave and in the evening , the hostel watchman came to the room asking for the lock and said it belonged to the hostel and we were all supposed to lock the rooms, by hostel rules and took us all to the warden. He listened to our case, asked us all to write an apology and pay a fine for destruction of hostel property.(:P) In the end it delaying murugesh going home anyways.
Zooming back to the theme of sexuality, that(the incident with saravanan) was the first ever self initiated brush with the issue of sexuality. Am not even sure I thought of it in that manner then, but I was just curious I guess. Anyway then I felt a little guilty about it for some time and then forgot all about it. It all came back to me when I took the next step in the experimentation, went out with a guy who claimed himself to be a bi.
But before that let me complete my college phase story. When I said the two groups of friends, I made it sound like I knew it at that point, but I did not. I was in a vague situation and had no idea what was happening. I kinda called all of them friends, even though I felt at that point itself that I cannot spend a lot of time with one friend(got bored). I was already switching on the time scale as to which friend I would hang out with. I used to get bored with somebody and go away somewhere to some other room , talk to someone else, and read something else. Of course this was the time which led me to do a lot of crazy things. I started subscribing to the theme of eccentric/psychoness/crazy guy image(To be honest started liking it). And probably this was when the shift from passive acceptance of the crazy tag to active seeking of the tag was completed. (Over years the active seeking has intensified, about that later.)
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